I'M SUCH A CRACKEAD RIGHT NOW...

"where is it?" I'm frantically walking/running through our apartment with the jitters. I'm shaking and shit. "Where is it?" I must look crazy right now. I think I'm scaring Sweetums. If he would just leave me the heyell alone to my search and stop asking me what's wrong; as if I want to talk right now. As if I could…

I just passed a mirror, yeah; I can confirm that I do look crazy. I took my bra off when I first walked through the door, so my titees are justa bouncing with my every frantic step. We ate barbeque tonight, so my pants are still unbuttoned from when I relieved the muffin top that resulted from eating ribs from Phillip's Bar-B-Que for dinner. And yeah, I have a few burgundy colored sauce stains on my new pink and white top that I bought from the Ann Taylor outlet last weekend. My hair is all over the place, because after I took off my bra, I also removed my pony tail holder; I always do these things, in this order whenever I come home without the plan of exiting my apt. So my hair is all over the place from taking a nap earlier. My eyes are big, they just are, nothing new. "Where is it?" I'm walking from closet to closet, room to room tossing things around. The first placed I tossed was the bathroom, then the home office and living room and now my last resort is the closet.

I'm tossing each shoe from my shoe closet listening for a rattle as I do so. Some shoes haven't been worn for over a year. They're saying the same thing that Meredith Grey said to Mc Dreamy, "pick me choose me," but disappointed when they see the floor rapidly approaching as they fly through the air. Each shoe drops with a simple thud, and I think I hear a small cry of disappointment. *sigh* "where is it?"

On top of my shoes, each handbag is on the floor upside down or sideways, with its contents empty. I've carried each bag for an average of 3 months, never longer than 4. My birthday is in September, Sweetums buys me a new bag. Then xmas, he buys me another. Valentines, almost 3 months later, another piece of arm candy. June comes around; need a new bag for summer, this one I buy for myself. Each of those $300-$600 Coach, Dooney and Marc by Marc Jacobs bags, they only have 3 months of glory, followed by a shelf life of up to 2 years. Now they're on the floor being trampled as their neighbor anticipates the same fate. Going from neglected to abuse is a bad fate.

But "where the fuck is it?" once the essentials was transferred to the new bag, the old bag was never cleared of its content. In the bag, you'll find receipts for 3 months, 3 months worth of movie tickets. New pictures of my niece nephew and goddaughter given to me those 3 months. Three months worth of check stubs, business cards of folks I met that September, October and November. The lip-gloss I favored as well as my got-to lotion during that quarter of the year.

But to no avail, the three objects that I received from three different occurrences in my life can't be found in any of my bags. The first occurrence is getting my wisdom tooth pulled, the second is getting my teeth pulled for my braces and the third occurrence is getting foot surgery. Each time I was given Vicodin or Tylenol Codeine. Three different bottles of approximately 24 pills in each. Each time I took approx 3 or 4 pills, and left the rest be. Didn't need them, didn't want them. I don't like drugs and avoid when possible.

But now I need them. Gawd how I want them. Where the fuck are they? What the fuck happened to the other 60 or so pills? Sweetums isn't a pill popper so what gives. I've tossed my drawers, including the one that contains balls, bullets and batteries, but still nothing. We moved a few months ago, but we moved us and no one else. They couldn't have been missing before then, but who knows. There have been a few family functions, but siblings would have simply told me they were jacking. Maybe the culprit was Sweetum’s customers who ask to use the restroom and riffle through the medicine cabinet. *shrugs* Who knows.

So now I'm here under this laptop and it feels like I'm getting my teeth pulled again, but this time without the pain killers. But slowly, not abruptly as in real life. Just pulling just so, while still holding onto that plier-like extraction device that dentists use, then pulling enough to bring the pain to a throb. Then holding while watching me wiggle, squirm and tear, then when I’m used to that level of pain, another throbbing pull.

I have Advil and Nyquil, hopefully that’ll get me through the night. But I’m thinking I’ll really need the strong stuff to finally go to sleep…

And I eat a popsicle every night before bed. Besides the paid, I can’t take that coldness, but another reason why I won’t get to sleep tonight.