MY LIFE MAY HAVE CHANGED TODAY

I'm not too sure anymore...

So I'm supposed to have foot surgery on Friday. As a precaution, I had to get a full exam from my doctor. The Dr. found a lump in each of my breast as well as something irregular in my throat. I'm still not sure what's what, or the exact diagnosis or what's the exact problem. All I know is I left the dr's office with about 4 referrals. My dr made the assistant call the other medical facilities to schedule emergency appointments for me. It seemed so unreal.

The appointments for my throat are in the morning. I have to meet with two different doctors. Hopefully, it turn out to be nothing. Hopefully... The doctor said I should only be worried if I previously had black outs and similar issues. But how would I know, lol. I know it's no time to joke. I've been asking those around me if I've been blacking out and with a raised eyebrow, they've all told me "no." So tomorrow we'll see. Hopefully I just slept wrong or something.

And apparently, the throat is a much bigger issue than the breast, but the breast scares me. My aunt died of breast cancer. She had her breast removed, but not before it spread to her lung. She was also my God Mom. She died when I was in the 4th grade, but I still miss her soo much.

My cousin also died of cancer at the age of 25. I don't remember what cancer she had, but it took her quickly. She had fallen in love with the guy she was dating. She went to the doctor for some birth control and and they found the cancer. She died a few months later. I think I was 19 at the time. She was my favorite cousin.

Fast forward to the dr telling me that I may have a lump in each breast and the tears streaming down my face as I thought about the fate of my cousin and aunt; the dr.'s words were a blur. Rewind to the last time I had these feelings that cancer was creeping back into my life. I was working as a check cashing teller at the Nix Checking Cashing in Watts about 10 years ago. It was 10 minutes before closing and I was handling the last of the customers. My mother called me to tell me that her dr found a cyst in her breast. Again with the tears, this time, I was counting out money to the customers. I remember a guy walking away from the window with his money saying that I was crying like I was giving away my own money. No idiot, I thought I was going to loose my mother. Turns out her cysts were nothing.

She always assured me that we didn't have to worry about cancer. Said that she had her own father, and that cancer runs in her sibling's father's family, separate from our bloodline. Hopefully that's the case. The lumps are located in the same place of each breast, so maybe it's from the bras I wear or something. *shrugs*

So I've been upset all day and finally text my boyfriend to tell him what's going on. His phone can't receive calls from his basement office. So we finally get each other on the phone. I tell him what's going on, and we talk about what it could mean and that it's going to be ok and all that stuff. So he tells me that he's going to some kind of improv thing with his friend, and I ask him to stay at home with me, but he just can't miss whatever this thing is. I mean, I guess I could have told him that I needed him to stay home with me tonight, just tonight. I never ask him to change his plans, and I'm not usually emotionally needy, but since my life may have changed, I thought he would stay. I mean, who knows if I'll be around tomorrow.

But I guess a kiss on the cheek or a stroke on my arm doens't cure cancer, or whatever may or may not be wrong with me. So why do I really need him here. I can wipe my own damn tears...